Breaking Bad Fanfic
This is meant to be a joke, although I found myself putting more effort into this than I thought was needed
Scene 1
[Walter]: I just want to say, I feel good about our talk this morning. I'm eager to know what you're thinking, you know, about... what we talked about. When you're ready of course. Honesty is good. Don't you think?
[Skylar]: I fucked Ted.
[Walter]: ...
Scene 2
[Mike]: You might wanna learn how to tail better if you're planning on making a habit of it.
[Walter]: May I buy you a drink? Next round when you're done
[Mike]: Why not? You make a hell of a lot more than I do.
[Walter]: Another round for him, and I'll have the same. No ice.
[Walter]: So, what's happening with you lately? I heard you're having another grandkid.
[Mike]: Yeah, they decided to name him Finger. He's adopted cause my son is dead.
[Walter]: That's an interesting name.
[Mike]: So is there an important reason why you followed me?
[Walter]: Recently, I feel my wife has been very angry with me. I think she is upset by some of the actions I have taken even though I have told her everything that I have done was done for my family.
[Mike]: You're asking me for marriage advice?
[Walter]: No, I'm going to need something else from you, but first let me explain my situation. A week ago, my wife proudly told me she'd fucked her boss who was called Ted. I was lost for words. I felt she had defeated me. However I soon understood what I needed to do to gain the upper hand. She fucked another man; I will fuck multiple other men. This is how I will beat her at her own game. I have already made substantial progress. I have already fucked Ted and Gus.
[Mike]: And how did you manage that?
[Walter]Ted was my first target because fucking him would equalize the score with my wife. I walked the building where he works and tried to get his attention by throwing a plantpot in his direction. That seemed to fail as I got thrown out by security and then was propmtly kiddnapped by you, who was desparate for someone to play Mario Kart with. I managed to get in contact with him at another time and told him he will have sex with me or I will report him to the IRS. That worked. The next day, Gus asked me why I haven't been to work in a while and I told him I am no longer in the meth business, but the sex business. We then had sex
[Mike]: Ok, I get it now. I'm next on your list. But I'm not gay, or have problems with the IRS.
[Walter]: I was a straight man, but I changed just because of my ego. Like how I was a good man until I started cooking meth instead of taking charity from a couple of philanthropic billionaires.
[Mike]: I'm not like you Waltuh. I think we're done here.
[Walter]: We're done when I say we're done.
[Mike]: (Noticing Walter is unzipping his trousers.) Waltuh. Put your dick away Waltuh. I'm not having sex with you right now waltuh.
[Walter]: Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how many pizzas I throw on my roof a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. No, you clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am the one who Fucks!
[Mike]: Thanks for the drink.
[Walter]: I think I better call saul.
Scene 3
[Saul]: Don't come any closer! Mike warned me about you!
[Walter]: ...What are you afraid of?
[Saul]: I know you want to fuck me! But that's not gonna happen, because Huell will protect me!
[Huell]: That's what I'm paid to do.
[Walter]: (Sitting down anyway) Ok. Do you have any contacts that would be of help?
[Saul]: Hmmm... I know a guy who may suit your need.
[Walter]: Can you tell me anything about him?
[Saul]: His name's Astolfo, he may look like a woman but thats just his style which in my opinion he pulls off quite well.
[Walter]: If he looks like a woman that's a positive for me. As a straight man I have to overcome my repulsion when having sex with other men, so hopefully that will make it easier.
[Saul]: Well I think we are sorted then.
[Walter]: Can I have his number?
[Saul]: I don't have that. All I have is his Discord username.
[Walter]: Discord?
[Saul]: Yeah I don't know much about it either. Just when you get in contact with him, tell him to kill himself. He'll know who you are
Scene 4
[Walter]: I also fucked my boss.
[Skylar]: Umm... okay.
[Walter]: And I fucked Ted
[Skylar]: Okay.
[Walter]: And now I will fuck some guy I haven't even met.
[Skylar]: I don't really get what you're trying to do here.
[Walter]: (Looking at his phone) It's time I go. Bye.
[Walter]: (In the corridor) That's a win against stupid bitch wife!
Scene 5
[Astolfo]: Walter! Come here.
[Walter]: I'm coming!
[Astolfo]: (Pulling a gun on Walter) Get in the driver's seat.
[Walter]: ...Okay
[Astolfo]: Okay.
[Walter]: Is this a trap?
[Astolfo]: Yes. You will drive to where your money is buried.
[Walter]: (Starting to drive) How do you know who I am?
[Astolfo]: I have business associates. My phone is ringing.
[Jack]: You got him?
[Walter]: You work for Jack?
[Astolfo]: Yes I do.
[Walter]: You're part of his neo-nazi gang?
[Astolfo]: Yes.
[Walter]: You don't look like a nazi.
[Astolfo]: Well this is my disguise. Nobody would suspect me being a crimminal. Just like they wouldn't suspect you either. That's the only reason I dress this way.
[Walter]: Understood.
[Astolfo]: Let's play a game.
[Walter]: What kind of game?
[Astolfo]: Chess.
[Walter]: How are we supposed to do that?
[Astolfo]: Blind chess. Just like imagine the board. It's not that hard
[Walter]: It is.
[Astolfo]: You can be white.
[Walter]: Okay... Pawn to d4.
[Astolfo]: Pawn to e5.
[Walter]: Pawn on d file takes e5.
[Astolfo]: Knight to c6.
[Walter]: Knight to f3.
[Astolfo]: Queen to e7.
[Walter]: I forgot where everything is.
[Astolfo]: I thought you were supposed to be smart.
[Walter]: I make more money than you, whatever you do for a living.
[Astolfo]: Whatever cut I'm getting of your money, it will be a lot. We'll still probably let you live and keep some of the money you worked for, hopefully you don't come back a year later and massacre us.
[Astolfo]: We're getting close to Los Pollos Hermanos, Do you want to stop here?
[Walter]: Sure.
Scene 6
[Gus]: May I take your order?
[Walter]: Two chicken burritos please.
[Gus]: Your food be ready shortly?
[Walter]: Hello Hector.
[Hector]: *Ding*
[Gus]: Here you go.
[Walter]: What is Hector doing here?
[Gus]: Hector is our newest employee. We talked to each other and now we are best friends.
[Hector]: *Ding* *Ding* *Ding*
[Astolfo]: That was a good burrito.
[Gus]: Now it is time for the bill.
[Walter]: How much?
[Hector]: *Ding* *Ding* *Ding* *Ding* *Ding*
[Gus]: That means he needs to see your balls. That will be a sufficient payment
[Walter]: No! There's a bomb attached to his wheelchair! We need to run!
[Gus]: AAAAAAH!
[Astolfo]: I don't think he made it. Rest in peace.
[Walter]: No!
[Astolfo]: No more Los Pollos Hermanos either.
[Walter]: No!!!
[Astolfo]: It was a good restaurant alright.
[Walter]:
[Astolfo]: Come on. we need to meet Jack soon. I don't want to be late. Let's go.
Scene 7
[Walter]: This is where my money is.
[Astolfo]: We're 10 minutes early.
[Walter]: I see some people over there.
[Astolfo]: Okay.
[Walter]: I think I know these people.
[Astolfo]: Yeah?
[Walter]: My brother in law and his partner. They work for the DEA.
[Astolfo]: DEA?
[Walter]: They're okay though, trust me. Let's go over.
[Walter]: Hey there Hank, Gomez.
[Hank]: Hey Walter. Me and Gomie are sunbathing out here.
[Walter]: That's nice.
[Hank]: Who's this girl you're with?
[Astolfo]: I'm a man.
[Hank]: Yeah and how am I supposed to know that?
[Astolfo]: Good point.
[Hank]: Walter, is this why Skylar is so upset with you?
[Walter]: No it's because I run a crystal meth empire.
[Hank]: Nice.
[Astolfo]: Good joke.
[Hank]: What are those trucks doing?
[Astolfo]: The gang is here.
[Hank]: Huh?
[Astolfo]: Jack's gang.
[Hank]: Oh yeah the white power prison gang.
[Gomez]: Looks like they're coming over.
[Jack]: This is the spot?
[Astolfo]: Yes.
[Jack]: You did a good job luring him Astolfo. You'll get 10% of the cut.
[Hank]: I think he's ripping you off a bit there.
[Astolfo]: How much money do you have Walter?
[Walter]: Eighty million.
[Astolfo]: That's plenty.
[Jack]: Okay Heisenberg, wheres your money?
[Walter]: Where's your dick?
[Kenny]: We won't take all of your money.
[Walter]: Shut the fuck up Kenny your moustache has cereberal palsy just like my son.
[Kenny]: That make no sense at all.
[Walter]: Help me out here Hank.
[Hank]: Jack, I heard you watch JoJo's Bizzare Adventure.
[Jack]: Yeah.
[Hank]: But what's really bizzare is the fact that you get no bitches. I hear you love all these anime girls but you can't talk to wo-
[Jack]: *Shoots Hank*
[Gomez]: You shot him because he was telling the tr-
[Jack]: *Shoots Gomez*
[Walter]: Damn.
[Jack]: I killed your brother in law, is that all you're saying
[Walter]: What were you expecting?
[Jack]: Maybe for you to like, collapse?
[Walter]: No, he was a bit of a prick.
[Jack]: Oh.
[Astolfo]: I have a confession Walter.
[Walter]: What is it?
[Astolfo]: I was Jesse all along.
[Walter]: What?
[Jesse]: You got trolled and double crossed hahaha!!!
[Walter]: I watched Jane die.